5 Myths About Dating and Finding Love, by Tom Caval


We have all heard them and the more we read about them in a magazine article or listen to two “experts” discussing them in a podcast, the more real they become. But here is my honest take on these five stories that are like the boogie man for those who are seeking a relationship.

Myth #1   It’s not you; it’s me.

The nerve. We have been told about this one; once you hear this, reverse it: it is you. But you know what? It’s not always true. It has happened to me on both sides. I remember Jan. He was all I wanted: handsome, sexy, rich (yay) and most important, he was crazy about me. But I was a hot mess at the time: party animal, alcohol-ridden, didn’t know what to do in my life. So yes, I wasn’t in the best moment of my life and I let him go (I have regretted it for some time, but everything happens for a reason).
Second experience, this time the other way around. I chased a work colleague for three years. We became friends, but he wasn’t interested in me, at all. One day over beers I asked directly (me very drunk): “Why don’t you like me?” He revealed he liked me a lot, as a friend, but he was new to the city and wanted to have as many dates as possible with hot guys. And apart from that, he liked rougher guys. “You are cute and one of the good ones, but I am just on another page.” Ouch, it hurt. Sometime later, I bulked up a bit, let a sexy stubble grow, and I developed a cooler attitude about men (all real, no pretending). As a result, he chased me back for one year! As it happens sometimes, I wasn’t interested anymore. Karma anyone?

Myth #2   You need to make the man “hunt” you.

The Rules book, Hitch the movie … all repeat the mantra:  the man is a hunter, so he likes to hunt. Give a hunter a dead deer just lying the front of his door and he will ignore it. But give him a rifle and put him in a forest under a hard rain, and he will chase it. I say, it depends on the man. Some chasing and play are very nice, I agree, but there are thousands of personalities out there, and not everybody likes the “hard to get” thing. Of course, don’t give yourself up super easily, but you need to calculate how much do you want a back and forth … if you give it too early or too late, you might lose it, and he will go hunting another deer.

Myth #3   If a man likes you, nothing will stop him coming to you. If a man doesn’t want you, nothing will stop him leaving.

The movie He’s Just Not That Into You taught us a lesson: if he doesn’t come up with you after a date, he is not into you. Well, again, not always.
Some years ago, I was overwhelmed by work, late night meetings, learning Swedish (failed plans to move to Stockholm) and I spent almost all my free time writing my stories. My social life was in jeopardy, and my love life too. Of course, sometimes I went up with the guy after a great date. But others I didn’t, and not because I didn’t like him, but because I was exhausted. So, I preferred to save it and give it my all for the next date, preferably on the weekend. Sadly, some guys must have followed this stupid myth and didn’t message me back (who calls anymore?).

Myth #4   You need to become the person you want to date, before finding them.

Example of ‘self-help’ at its best. You need to become that person you want to date, shoes come in pairs, you’ll get the person the size of your self-love.
If you like athletic, rich and successful men, you first need to become one. OK, I agree with this one, but for other reason: if you want to become a successful person, do it for Yourself! Of course, everyone wants to become the best version of themselves, but honestly, we are more than our look, status, or possessions. Plus, opposite poles attract (I wouldn’t like to date an obsessed writer like me!) I love being at home, watching movies, visiting museums, etc. One of my best relationships was with that Russian guy who loved being outdoors and socialising. I enjoyed being (literally) dragged outside, while he appreciated a whole new world of indoors activities and cultural inputs.
The older you grow, the more value you give to the capacity to love. It helps if you have all those things before, you will be in a better place to give someone real love and you will be more self-confident, but honestly, the capacity to love is the real deal here.

Myth #5   If you can’t love yourself, how the hell are you gonna love somebody else?

OK, I agree with this one. You can’t give love if you can’t love yourself first. You must love yourself before other people will love you too. You need to work on this, all of us have, but hey, this is a LIFELONG process. You will never love yourself 100% or like yourself 100% (well, some lucky people will perhaps) you are always evolving, growing, and bettering yourself, and if you wait to be 100% ready, you might die alone. I had a period where I tried to be that person, I forced myself to be comfortable in my own skin, alone, and enjoy my company… the result: the day I found a guy I liked, I was so used to being alone at home and sleeping alone that it took me a lot to go back to company mode.
Work every day on becoming the best version of yourself until you connect with that person who is also in the process of liking and loving himself. This way, you can make the journey together – it helps.

What other myths have you been told about dating and finding love? Let me know in the comments section below. 👇🏻


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